This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
