This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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