I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
