im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
