I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
