Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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