The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
