i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
