I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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