He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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