he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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