I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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