What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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