The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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