i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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