Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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