I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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