Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
