dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
