Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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