separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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