Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
