Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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