I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I need to sanitize my soul.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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