I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
