Pregnant stripper...not hot.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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