As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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