where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
