It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
