Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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