god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
