True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
