mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Randomize
