i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
