Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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