you traded sex for a burrito?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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