Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
