My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
