Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
pop tarts are not kleenex
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
