i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Randomize
