I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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