Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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