Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
