Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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