i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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