So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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