your thong is hanging out like whoa
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
We need to get me chipped asap
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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