I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
