Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
