If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I FOUND THE LEGS
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Never underestimate the power of titties
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
