You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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