wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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