Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I just forgot I was standing up.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
