I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
