I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
