i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
