I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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